Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize