Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
