I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
