hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
