Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
