just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize