im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
