Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
