My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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