you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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