My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
