Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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