Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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