I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
