my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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