I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize