My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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