apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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