youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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