fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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