Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
