You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
