think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
