careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
where are my eyebrows?
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