this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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