Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
