She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
