i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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