On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
