someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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