the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
