My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
