I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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