you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
