Whod you bang
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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