I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
