One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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