i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
