I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize