I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
