I want to have your abortion
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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