So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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