I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
