i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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