C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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