I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
