i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
