Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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