my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
