when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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