Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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