Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
