no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
