True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
