I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize