Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize