I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
