in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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